Fun Times...

There's this scene from The Money Pit, or at least I'm pretty sure that's what it's from, where Tom Hanks is running with this fat funny dude who keeps having heart attacks when he goes for a run.

When I was seven this shit was hilarious to me. The movie is still funny. I'm searching for it on my DVR now... nope. That scene, which wasn't even the 5th best scene in that movie, has always stuck with me. It's been cropping up regularly lately. Why.

The Fatman still runs!

3.62 km tonight. Straight run for 25 minutes. My knees screamed the entire time. A guy with a parachute on passed me... three times. But I kept running. I am being rather cruel to the word "running" but I just can't say "panting shuffle-push while-trying-not-to-fall" over and over again. So. I am still running. Something has to be done about this knee thing.

For the first time I think I have a reason that might actually work at motivating me to eat healthier. I've got to lose some weight so this shit doesn't hurt so much. After I finish this and run that first 5K I'm taking a couple weeks and just cycling. Shit hurts y'all.

A running fantasy has been developing and it is time I share it with you as it is beginning to take a life of its own.

When I run, I do everything I can to not consciously recognize that I am running. I make it someone else doing this. I try to trance out to my music. I invent scenarios that cast in the role of the Borg or some such shit. I have one fantasy that I always return to.

The Buffalo.

I picture buffalo running. My job is to keep up with the buffalo for a certain amount of time before I am relieved. Follow the buffalo Caveman. Follow the buffalo.

I am very serious about it.

For quite awhile just imaging buffalo and myself chasing them was enough. At some point however the vision evolved. I guess the harder these runs get the more I try to plunge my psyche into these visions.

It's 10,000 years ago.

I feel the grass brush my legs. Hunters run to my left and right. We run together so that we can spell each other and never lose sight of our prey. Some carry spears. I carry a knife in my teeth because even 10,000 years ago, man needed Rambo. I am Rambo the Caveman Buffalo Runner. That is my Indian name. I am Hunter. I can feel the rhythm of fellowship running all around me. It's impossible to stop running when you are surrounded by people who are just as hungry and in just as much pain as you. I run. I smell buffalo dung. I pray for rain. Mountains in the distance.

And these fucking buffalo keep turning left every quarter mile. But that's when I gain just a bit.

Tonight the vision got more complex. I was adding another 5 minutes to the run which gave rise to a new savage aspect of my people.

We run until we die. Some of us never catch a buffalo. We spend all of our days running and never catch one. But should we catch one we will bask in the glory of life as we share our prey with our tribe. I have a wife and kids, hungry. They follow miles behind hoping that at the end of their trek they will see Father Caveman with blood on his face. As I run I have to swerve around the bodies of my fallen brothers. We run until we die. I can see my son's unforgiving eyes. Hunger holds no compassion. I will run until I die. I have been running since my own father died. He died running. When I die, my son will run. My son is still too small to run. I cannot die yet. I will keep running. The buffalo.

____

I have no idea where this going. It's like I'm experiencing a waking dream. I'm too tired to consciously work out my alter-life, so this shit just plays on some weird Discovery Channel meets Moby meets please god make the music stop adventure. What's funny is I never catch the fucking buffalo. It works perfect that way because I never know when the music will tell me to slow down, so I can never let myself catch the beast otherwise I'd have an excuse to stop.

I do sort of think that should the unthinkable happen while I'm running that my brain's last effort will be to send me to that little hellish heaven before the lights go out. Blood on my face.

Just read this.

Oh fuck.

I guess I'm crazy.

On another note.

I have to share my favorite quote. I already put this on FB and Twitter so you can stop now if you want.

Today I was tutoring Martius on migration.

Me: Okay buddy, what season comes in March?

Martius: Ummm... Leprechaun Day?

If that's the little fucker I'm chasing buffalo for, then I'll run forever. These kids are fantastic. I have been laughing at odd moments all day thinking about him saying that.

Until Tomorrow...

Job Applications

I'm postponing the etymology post.

Indulge me. I'm going to share with you my favorite snippets from my students' efforts on their job applications.

This is my favorite assignment that I give the kids. I talk with the students about our class jobs. They tell me what jobs they like and what jobs suck and what new jobs I should replace them with. Something bears very little resemblance to the real world, but hey - let the little shits dream. Once they let me know what jobs they'd like, I put everything on a little job application and each kid lists his or her top 5 job choices.

Then they have to... "Convince me in two to three sentences..." to award them their top job choice.

That's when the fun starts.

Tonight I will share their efforts of influence with you.

I'll give a fake name to the kid. Then I'll list their top 5 choices. Then I'll share highlights from their applications. Finally, I'll let you know what job they won. This will suck for some. But is so much fun for me and most.

My personal notes will be written in pink.

Abelia:

TOP 5: 1. PBIS Officer The person who records who got in trouble today. 2. Boys' Bathroom Cop BOYS BATHROOM COP!!! YES!!! I love San Antonio! 3. Poster Person The person who puts up classroom work. 4. Attendance Taker 5. Messenger

ARGUMENT:

"I wrilly what to be PBIS officr Becuse I tell the truth and I will try willy wily hand to not talk in class and it is a very good job for me."

Aww kiddo. I want to give her the job but it's going to be tough. She scores a 2 out of 4. Chances are she ends up with Attendance or takes a job not listed. Boys Bathroom Cop!!! Wrilly Lisa? Willy? For the record, my bathroom cops actually hang out in the bathroom they're policing. Not sure how she thought she was going to grab that job, but I applaud her daring - and I fear it.

Awarded the position: Poster Person

Martialis:

TOP 5: 1. Board Wiper 2. Door Holder 3. Homework Collector 4. Line Officer 5. Doctor My doctor gives each kid hand sanitizer before we go to lunch.

ARGUMENT:

I will a good job on BW/SK. I will do good job like Nicé my previous board wiper.

Awarded the position: Board Wiper

Iola T:

TOP 5: 1. I.T. 2. PBIS Officer 3. Homework Collector 4. Homework Stamper 5. Veterinarian

ARGUMENT:

... it is a easy job ... and I is my own Initials.

Awarded the position: Homework Collector

Accalia:

TOP 5: 1. Teacher A. 2. Attendance 3. Messenger 4. Poster Person 5. Calendar Person

ARGUMENT:

I think yo should give me it because I will do really good at it. I will help youso much with anyghing even to do other peoples Job when the are gone it might make me do a lot but I am WELLING to do anything I will bring me math grade up and everything else so I hope you pick me

MY FAVORITE!

Adelphia:

TOP 5: 1. KTK Keeper Schedules Tutoring Sessions 2. Job Supervisor 3. Attendance 4. I.T. 5. PBIS Officer

ARGUMENT:

1. Mr. Romanus if you do not give me I.T. I'll cry.
2. Mr. Romanus if you don't give me I.T. you will not get a B-Day preesnt. Yell get a mud pie and a 2 week old cake.

Awarded the position: KTK Keeper. Oooh I'm tempting vengeance here.

Maxim:

TOP 5: 1. PBIS 2. I.T. 3. Doctor 4. Veteran We are a military city. 5. Homework Kepper

ARGUMENT:

Hear the voice of the child Rainn Wilson:

... the veteran I would like because = have weird pets like a green amoil lizard, or desert lizard who likes sand. the second one is pbis is because I've done befroe but now it has gotten a lot better I would want it. p.s veteranarian I like because I had to feed a austrilian red adn white border collie and even make him exercize him for an hour so I'm good with pets.

Awarded the position: Doctor He's going to love this job wayyyyyy too much.

Twenty jobs altogether. I have to admit I thought these were going to be funnier. The earlier ones were so much worse. I'm not sure how to feel frankly. The fact that they were so much better, I guess I'm actually teaching something. Dey all grows up and dey all grows up and dey all. grows. up.

Tomorrow will be the big reveal. I'll need to pull Adelphis aside and make sure she doesn't actually cry and tell her that I think she wrote a great application. I'll have to play on the better nature of a few of my littles and let them know that they'll be doing me a big favor if they take a job they didn't ask for.

I really do love this assignment. And the kids love it too. They love being able to debate the jobs and watch me get rid of the ones they don't like. They've made up at least half of the jobs now available. But... still... when I think about the applications, the manipulations, and the idea that I might be creating a few more bricks... well - it's just too depressing if you think about too much.

Anyway, I hope this window into my class was fun for you.

If nothing else, I found out that it is a lot of fun to use Roman Names for aliases.

Until Tomorrow...

3.06 kilometers

After the 5-minute warmup I ran 10 minutes walked 3 minutes and ran another 10 minutes. This took me a little further.

Breached the 3K mark. Which I'm a little stoked about. I'm pushing back my race date to the end of March. I'm still going to run my first 5K by the end of February, but I want to normalize before I run in a race and March 4th seemed a little soon.

My legs are touch jelly.

I'm down another pound and I feel less and less worried that I'm going to keel over and die any minute now.

Which is nice.

Today was my favorite mix on the Podrunner series. I was warming up with a cheeseball smile because of the first song.

Perhaps the most frightening part of this running adventure is the possibility that techno is growing on me. Oh wait - I'm 32 years old, I love comic books, video games, and playing chess puzzles. I have no shame. So what shit do I give if I develop a taste for techno.

What I do know is that I like the songs that are able to surprise me with weird sounds that are a bit playful but don't fuck with the beat too much. When I'm running, or imaginating myself dancing, I don't want to be wondering where the beat is. I need it to push me forward. If it gets sloppy or overly complicated I have to start thinking about the running and trying to put my feet to the rhythm again. And the whole point to the techno is that I don't want to think of the beat.

So... my thoughts on that are clear eh..

Other news:

Last night DailyShow/Colbert Report chase scene was hilarious. You should watch.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Colbert Super PAC - The Great Chase
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Wyatt, I am rolling.

Well everyone, I'm back up. Yesterday sucked on a level that I may have slightly overreacted to. I'm on the upswing.

Several Contributing Factors:

• Red Velvet cupcake.
• It rained in San Antonio, which it rarely does and I love the rain.
• Mizzou is playing Texas on the television as I type.
• I'm hopelessly optimistic that my students will eventually get their shit together despite a fair amount of evidence to the contrary.
• I ate Country Fried Steak about two hours ago.
• And a Red Velvet cupcake.
• Finally, I grabbed a couple ugh... So You Wanna Write a Novel? type books. Which gives me that false sense of accomplishment consumerism so readily provides. I do wonder how hard it is for the good folks at Barnes and Noble not to laugh every time someone walks up with any of these books. It must be a difficult position. I do appreciate their strength of will and decency.
• Mizzou just scored. 26-28 our guys.
• Red Velvet cupcake. (my version of the Red Solo Cup)

Too rainy to run today so I took the day to rest the knees which are still a little annoyed with me.

Tomorrow offers another update on the jogging.

Wednesday I will examine the word "motherfucker."

I want to devote the proper amount of research to the etymology of the word before we dive in.

Missouri goes into the half up by 5.

Time to go to bed.

Until Tomorrow...

rrraaahhhhhhhhhHHHHHH!

very frustrating day.

i feel like i have done nothing this weekend but grade papers and tests and do laundry.

impressively annoyed.

it's ten and i have to go to bed and i'm still not done grading.

i actually had plans of grandeur for this weekend.

i wanted to get started on the outline.

i did not

i wanted to share lines from my kids essays with you this evening.

i did not

i didn't even get that far into the grading.

there are times i really hate being a teacher and the society that thinks this job is cake.

this is one of those times.

i'll be getting up a 5 a.m. so that i can tutor a kid for free before school.

so... i'm going to be bed now in the hopes that i can sleep off my pissy mood.

until tomorrow...

P.S.

While ironing clothes I watched the series premier of Luck on HBO. Looks to be very good.

Week 6

Mostly graded papers all damn day. But before I subjected myself to the emotional hell of finding out exactly how awful my littles are with pretty much everything I tried to teach last week, I submitted myself to the physical hell of exercise. The physical hell... not all bad.

I was sore after last night's ride so I decided to warm myself up with another ride over to the park before I started on the run. No singing today, my voice was sore too. Quality bruises on the ass. I think I rode a mile before my mind finally accepted the state of things and turned down the pain receptors in Glute 1 and Glute 2. Played Arcade Fire on my way and immediately wish I went with Hail Mary Mallon instead. I was in an absurdest mood and Aesop soothes my soul on days like these.

Got to the park in pretty decent shape.

Today's Menu: A Recovery Jog after my first 20-minute run.

• 5 minute warm-up walk
• 5 minute jog
• 3 minute walk
• 8 minute jog
• 3 minute walk
• 5 minute jog
• 4 minute cooldown

Stretched, walked, and then -

Oh Shit! My knees HURT! My train of thought was something like... step-step, step-step, step-step - then iPod tells me to run and - SHIT-SHIT, SHIT-SHIT, SHit-shit, shit-shit... well I guess this isn't going to stop so I just kept running. Somewhere near the end of the first 5-minute jog my legs finally accepted that it was going to keep going and the pain faded.

It's been awhile since I went to this park and I ran further on it today than I ever have. That was a nice feeling.

I still regularly get passed up by pretty much everyone, but I'm good with that. I managed to pass up the walkers.

The Fat Man is a little less fat. 234 last week. 229 today.

Qual

i

ty

Tomorrow I grade the compositions. That's where the fun starts.

I also owe y'all a catch up on my comic discoveries and those I've dropped.

Until Tomorrow

Filling the World with Song

An exercise Dear Internet.

Picture the scene.

'Tis evening-fall. Embers of a dying sun give life to the dust that forever hovers in the San Antonio air. There is a small hill, made giant by the relative flatness of the surrounding land. On this hill a road, Blanco, provides the avenue for the comers and goers of North San Antonio. Pick-ups, minivans, two-doors and sedans chauffeur the drivers, who, after another long week of working towards a questionable purpose, seem to be on autopilot as they consider this weekend's adventures or the lack thereof.

One such driver is quite awake after just having almost hit a man on a bicycle. Her heart is pounding as she imagines having almost spent the next hour explaining to police how she came to kill this person. She wonders why anyone would choose to ride a bicycle when gyms all over the city provide perfectly good stationary bikes that allow you to watch t.v. while you ride. With the added benefit of almost guaranteed safety. She wonders why she must share the road, NAY the city, with madmen like these. These thoughts pass quickly however as her attention is diverted to the latest lol that's just been texted to her.

Blanco runs North-South. Up and down hills that provide a beautiful view of the outskirts of the city. San Antonio is home to many parks and Blanco seems designed to show these off to attentive rider.

Meanwhile, on the west side of the road, a plump woman takes a seat at a bus stop. Though many a driver is unaware, San Antonio does in fact have a public transit system. Should this system breakdown, it will be chaos at each and every grocery store, as probably ninety-percent of the workers will no longer have a way to get there (This statistic brought to you by the fallible imagination of your CaveMan). In all likelihood our plump woman is probably on her way to work now. We can guess that she is a grocer by the bright red tee-shirt she wears, the shirt of the popular grocery chain of Henry E. Butts, known as H.E.B.

I ask you Dear Internet to become this woman. I give you this moment. You are sitting on the bench. Feel the plastic-coated metal against your ass. Feel the tattooing of the waffle pattern on your flesh. Waiting for the bus. Smell the exhaust and asphalt. Perhaps you're a touch annoyed that a few more tax dollars cannot be spent to make sure there are enough buses to ensure timeliness in this little city. You hug yourself, it's been a warm day but as night falls so does the temperature in this drought-suffering city.

What is that sound?

A light flashes from the crest of the hill. You look north expecting the flicker of the bus's headlights. You start to rise but halt yourself.

It's only one small flashing light. A flashing light bearing the strange siren that first caught your attention picks up speed as it gains momentum coming down Blanco. The flashing light is screaming. At first you can't make out what the sound is. For a brief moment you think that you are looking at the world's first one man ambulance.

What is this sight?

Yes Reader,

It is I!

Your Manic Caveman has gone cycling! And the trumpeting that snared the plump lady's ear you ask. No, not a siren. It is the harsh cry of The CaveMan. The Caveman SINGS!!! (Mumford & Sons "White Blank Page" in the event you're wondering.)

I hurtle down Blanco. Invigorated by my brush with death and determined to share my joy and mania with the world, I sing. I am full-throated and bringing it from my balls. Every bit of soul I have left is in my holler-song. I am tempted to stop and greet the plump woman and every other person I pass. I want to offer my blessings to every one I encounter. But I'm having too much fun to stop. So I ride faster and sing louder. I am simultaneously immersed in my senses as the world speeds by and watching myself in my minds eye. My mouth is wide open in a clown-sized smile. I am two hundred thirty-four pounds of furry man-beast flying down a hill on fucking bike and announcing my existence with song. My gut touches my legs as they pump me along. I feel my tits bounce and my jowls wiggle in the wind. The feeling makes me laugh.

This is easily a high point in my life.

I feel like I've invented peanut-butter and jelly.

Cycling

+ Singing

The Absolute Shit

Yes, when that woman saw me. She most likely saw a crazy person. Which is quite possibly true. But just behind me was a man jogging. And since he could only hear what was coming, he had to be positive a crazy person had just flown by him. Our plump woman and our jogger would then have shared a moment. Even if just a knowing glance that said:

"Wow. That was one crazy fat guy on a bike."

A shared chuckle?

I have to believe that I had to make their evenings at least a little bit entertaining.

What's crazy is this all almost never happened. My darkness was putting claws in my shoulders as I drove home from work tonight. I got home, changed into some normal clothes and headed out to hunt some fast food. As I drove towards Chinese I felt the claws getting deeper and was pretty sure that this was going to be one of those evenings where I gave in and bought a six to twelve pack and got drunk at home alone. I would finish the night by weeping while watching the Hedwig and The Angry Inch DVD sing-a-long feature. I would cry until I vomited and then crawl into bed with a vague hope that I would forget at least some of this. I was not imagining a future that has not often happened in the past. The truth is that is a good low for me. That's my Dark aiming high.

The thoughts were mounting and I was coming up with every reason to write off the night as well as the weekend and I was about 15 minutes from home when I just turned my car around and headed back. I decided to change clothes one more time and ride my bike instead.

If I'm going to be selfish, self-centered and childish, then I'm going to do it on a bicycle and I'm going to have some fun doing it.

I put my music on emotional blast and let my catharsis roll. I'm not exactly sure when my mood flipped. I know that I teared for a bit before it happened and I think I was still listening to The Avett Brothers. It was probably some time after that lady almost hit me.

I'm also not lying about that view that Blanco Road has. It's beautiful. And when there is wind blowing in your face and the sun is setting and you can see the entire World in front of you, it's pretty fucking hard to stay depressed. Balances shifted and I was happy and so happy I had to sing. I rode by some furry dude who was on his way to a bus stop. Just after I passed him I thought about what it would it have been like if I had just screamed at him, "Blessings upon you Citizen!"

That thought made me laugh and my only regret was that it didn't come in time for me to actually act on it. Then I started to sing.

And it might be my imagination but I really do think my singing made a lot of people giggle. Sure they may have been laughing at me but I've never really given a shit about that part. (In fact my theory about being laughed at is kind of like that Jesus style no one can steal what you give freely, no one can laugh at you when you decide that they're laughing with you.) Anyway people laughed.

A couple days ago I was listening to a program where a doctor was saying that the Dalai Lama said that if you just offer a moment of compassion to a stranger you make the world better. This made sense to me.

And for that joy I felt, and my sharing of this joy with complete strangers, I believe the world is better.

Finally, I am going to tell you that I am crying while I write this and I don't totally know why. I have an inkling that I escaped a pretty bad night and now I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm grateful that instead of a wasted night I might get a few more pages of Ulysses in. (Which by the way has become incredibly heavy-lifting. Joyce was saving for the 3rd chapter apparently. Beautiful though. Our boy Stephen Dedalus is up to his wily and detached ways. I think he just quit his teaching job but I'm not really sure.) I'm grateful that I'm not going to lose tomorrow suffering through a hangover.

And I am grateful that you read this.

Until Tomorrow,

CaveMan